When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize