So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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