I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
