last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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