A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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