you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
