ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
