I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
