I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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