Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
