Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Green mimosas i think yes
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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