I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
