We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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