I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
