She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
