Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
