I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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