I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
