i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize