put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
