When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
