my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
