The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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