I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize