i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I want a musical about memes.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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