when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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