so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize