I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
