I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize