This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
