just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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