who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
