I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
