Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
