I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
