Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
