ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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