I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
