So drunk its hurt
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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