his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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