Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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