I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Im part way to drunk.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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