You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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