I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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