i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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