Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Randomize
