I think I died a long time ago.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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