if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He passed out mid-signature
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
