Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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