In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
