I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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