I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
