oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
