the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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