i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
