Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize