My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
