Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize