I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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