I love black thongs
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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